NOTE: This was just an April Fools' joke for 2021.
Our team has recently done an enormous amount of research, both scientific and hands-on, to provide you with exciting new insights on …
Yes, pizza! You may have heard it criticized as being overprocessed, too salty, or too high in calories … Hogwash, all of it! It might be the best food of all.
We understand that the burden of proof is high — which is why we’ve written The Pizza Paradigm, a guide that presents pizza’s many merits in 370 detailed, densely referenced pages dripping with scientific rigor like pizzas drip with tomato sauce.
We’ve prepared a brief preview. Read on!
Table of Contents:
The United States was the first nation to formally recognize the supreme nutritional value of pizza with its groundbreaking 2011 congressional report stating that pizza’s tomato paste counts as a vegetable. They’re right. But pizza can be the ideal vehicle for many more delicious and nutritious ingredients, making it the perfect foundation of a healthy diet — with proper pizza rotation. Cronometer provides the following data on a standard chicken-vegetable pizza:
Since vitamin D comes mostly from sun exposure and dietary supplements, it’s irrelevant, and you should be fine for vitamin K if you play your cheeses right (more on that below). That leaves potassium, magnesium, and vitamin E on the low side. Here are some possible solutions:
Go even harder on the vegetable toppings.
Get saucy! Use a large amount of marinara dipping sauce.
Sprinkle potassium and magnesium powders over your pizza.
As a last resort, use a cauliflower crust.
And here are some other important features of an optimal pizza diet:
Anchovies (a source of omega−3s)
Pineapple (a source of bromelain)
Shellfish (all-around nutritional powerhouses)
Double-pizza day (twice the pizza, twice the nutrients)
Our new guide, The Pizza Paradigm, explores all these topics in depth, for the perfect pizza diet. For the most adventurous among you, Nick Milazzo, our resident baking expert, has even written a chapter on intermittent calzoning!
(Talking about baking, did you know that new hyperefficient wood-burning ovens could substantially cut down on greenhouse gas emissions? And the ideal food to bake in them is, of course, tasty, wholesome pizza!)
Free with our Pizza Paradigm guide, you’ll get our Pizza Gains Workout Bible, Cheese Stack Cheat Sheet, and Pizza Portion Calculator.
Pizza is an ergogenic superfood that can supercharge your body. In animal models, pizza has long been associated with elite martial arts ability, as tested with weapons as diverse as the bō, katana, nunchaku, and sai.
First, take your preworkout pizza. Duh.
Then it’s time to get kneading! Kneading exercises all your pizza-handling muscles.
Once you have mastered kneading — which may take you a few decades — you can move to more advanced time-under-tension techniques. Like so:
And of course, to maximize your gains, don’t forget your postworkout recovery pizza!
Our Pizza Gains Workout Bible details thousands of pizza exercises — including 736 kneading variations!
With just your age, sex, weight, and activity level, our proprietary quantum-powered Pizza Portion Calculator will generate a handy pizza pie chart to help you manage the size of your portions.
Slices can be standardized and strategically partitioned throughout the day, making pizza the ideal diet food.
Combinations: always at least one core cheese, never more than one secondary cheese. Mozzarella, however, must be combined with another core cheese. Cycle core cheeses weekly to prevent tolerance from developing.
Brilliant scientists have long understood pizza’s health benefits. We’ve found evidence in respectable, peer-reviewed journals that pizza can protect against cancer and cardiovascular disease. Bill Willis, PhD, a leading expert in muscle physiology and the noble art of getting yoked, had the following to say about the food:
“[Pizza represents the] perfect combination of polyphenols, protein, carbs, and fats. Whether you are currently engaged in a brutal workout, about to step on stage at a bodybuilding competition, or about to hit the books, pizza is the optimal choice for performance, aesthetics, and cognitive function. It may very well be the only true superfood out there.”
But here’s the crazy thing: placebo-controlled, triple-blinded studies run in Dr. Willis’s kitchen have revealed that the benefits of a pizza are independent of its toppings and phytochemicals. How do we explain this?
Let’s start with the obvious. Pizza is round and can be said to be a sort of pie, which brings to mind pi (π), the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter (3.14159…).
Likely not, since there are 3.14159x1023 molecules of beneficial pizza-derived compounds in a typical large pizza — a number known as Pizzagadro’s number and equivalent to one pizzamole.
Dr. Willis’s Critical Topping theory postulates that, as the pizza compounds reach Pizzagadro’s number, a synergistic reaction occurs where the pizza becomes greater than the sum of its parts and the exact nature of the toppings ceases to matter..
Dr. Willis’s lab staff (all of whom come from a long line of highly professional lab mice) are actively challenging the Critical Topping theory with experiments, and it has passed every test so far.
There were some challenges, however. When a perfectly round pizza is added to mice chow, the mice often become strong enough to break out of their cages, and good luck catching up with a mouse all hopped up on pizza.
In vitro experiments have been just as challenging, since isolated pizza compounds are barely contained by a magnetic plasma field. Nevertheless, after many attempts, Dr. Willis succeeded in imaging a pizza compound with electron microscopy, and curiously, it resembles a mitochondrion performing burpees.
All this helps explain why humans who eat pizza see their body fat and precancerous cells melt away while muscle protein turnover gets optimized to support maximal growth. As a consumer of pizza, you may have experienced some of these effects.
If not, then you may be wondering why not. It has been theorized that the more a pizza deviates from perfect roundness, the lesser its benefits are. More probably, though, you have what we scientists call the antipizza gene, so it’s all your fault.
Some of you may still be skeptical, but that’s just your antipizza gene talking. Here’s the clincher: Margaret Ellen Moores, a woman from Newfoundland, lived well past the age of 100, and guess what? She ate a lot of pizza. We can only conclude that pizza makes you live longer. It’s just logic.
Pizza was the first thing ever purchased with cryptocurrency. The 10,000 bitcoins paid for the pizza are worth over $500,000,000 today, so closer to the true value of a pizza. And the only thing that is worth more than a pizza is …
The Pizza Paradigm: The Only 100% Totally Evidence-Based Guide to Pizza, the Most Super Duper of All Superfoods
This is it. The ultimate guide to the ultimate food. You’ll learn all there is to know about pizza’s secret history (were you even aware that pizza was actually invented by Romulus?), pizza’s numerous health claims (many of which we invented just for you), and pizza recipes we came up with on the fly so you can really be the first to try them out!
Don’t think twice — actually, don’t think at all — and click here to BUY. 💸
Nick Milazzo, MS, MPH(c)
There’s a lot of nonsense in the world of nutrition, with people promoting “keto” this, “intermittent fasting” that, and other such drivel. After reading this guide, it has become clear to me that if we want to improve the nutrition of our great nation, pizza is the way. That’s why I’ll be working closely with the new administration to develop a public-health campaign designed to promote the supreme nutritional value of pizza. Our working slogan is “Whey is wack, cruciferous vegetables are crummy, and supplements are square. Say no to that junk and pick up a slice!” Pretty great, huh?
Rachel Hathcock, RN, MPH(c)
As a nurse working 12-hour shifts in a busy hospital, I get but a single, short opportunity to fuel my body for the entire day. This makes my food choice at least as important as the crash cart we keep in the hallway.
I tried all sorts of concoctions, from powdered kale to dairy shakes concocted by the renowned Dairy Fanatic, Michael Hull. Nothing did the trick.
Then, I found pizza.
To say I realized what I’d been missing my whole life is an understatement. Talk about a superfood! I even started wearing a superhero uniform under my scrubs, because I feel that good. I may not be a surgeon, but boy, do I love a good slice!
Michael Hull, MSc, Dairy Fanatic
I consider myself to be the hardest of hardcore skeptics. Not a single solitary sliver of nutrition BS could ever get past me. Ever. So when I saw that Pizza Paradigm commercial one night while watching HGTV, I thought to myself “Ha! Nice try, scammers. You’re never gonna get me!” Besides, I had just finished doing the Dr. Oz-recommended juice-based detox diet to rid myself of toxins and balance my humors. So there was no way I was going to ruin my health with some fad “pizza diet” hoax. Show me the citations or get out!
This experience had me very riled up, so I grabbed my emergency supply of organic healing crystals to calm my nerves and went to bed. That night, Gwÿnëth Pāltrōw (not to be confused with Gwyneth Paltrow) appeared to me in a fever-dream, instructing me that the way of the future was pizza.
Gwÿnëth would never mislead me, I thought. Was this Pizza Paradigm really the missing silver bullet I needed to blast my health into the stratosphere? I was already taking FactShield™, Re-Brain™, POWERbiotics™, and Adamantium Bone Broth™, but the Pizza Paradigm was the last piece of the puzzle!
I’ve now started a multilevel marketing business to help spread the good word. The world needs to know: the Pizza Paradigm is the answer.
💊 Get unbiased supplement information
- The effects of a pizza-only diet on martial arts ability: A randomized trial on teenage mutant turtles. J NYC Sew. (1987-04-01) Splinter et al.
- Menaquinone Content of Cheese. Nutrients. (2018) Cees Vermeer, et al.
- Quantification of pizza baking properties of different cheeses, and their correlation with cheese functionality. J Food Sci. (2014) Xixiu Ma, et al.
- Does pizza protect against cancer?. Int J Cancer. (2003) Silvano Gallus, et al.
- Pizza and risk of acute myocardial infarction. Eur J Clin Nutr. (2004) S Gallus, A Tavani, C La Vecchia.